As a mom, some days are just hard. Most days have hard moments, but sometimes it feels like the whole day is filled with the hard moments.
It’s easy to let yourself fall into the pit of self-loathing,or self-pity when you have one of these days. Like every insecurity that you ever have just bursts forth and somehow it becomes who you think you really are.
It’s important to fight that self-doubt, loathing and pity. It’s important to know that these are lies. That these insecurities aren’t who you are, ever have been or ever will be.
BUT sometimes its okay to just give yourself 5 min to wallow. Just get all that negative energy out, say it out loud, get it all out and then MOVE ON.
The holiday season
This Thanksgiving was an odd one. We were visiting my husbands extended family in Alabama. My extended family, which has recently seemed to be self-destructing, was scattered all over, every one doing their own thing. My husbands family is also experiencing this epidemic of “falling-apart” so things just felt weird.
For the first time ever, I didn’t speak to my brothers, I couldn’t even really muster up the energy to even feel upset over it. My husbands family tried to make the best of an obviously strained family situation as well. It was just an odd day, with unrecognizable feelings for everyone.
To top it off, my little family of 4 were all sick. Magnolia hadn’t really eaten any food since we arrived in Alabama, refused to leave my side, screamed and cried all day long and just wanted to nurse morning, noon and night. Everleigh, on the other hand, wants absolutely nothing to do with her father or I since she is with her grandmother. It’s one of those situations that makes my heart happy that she loves her grandma so much but is also kinda hurtful to me as her mama.
I’m exhausted from trying to pretend that everything is fine, from a little girl who is nursing me dry and I’m really just ready for bed. Then it gets worse. Magnolia smacks her newborn cousin in the face for the 100th time and my sister-in-law starts sobbing. She just can’t take it anymore. Me either girl, me either.
In this moment I feel like a complete and utter failure. Worst mom ever. My family is broken, we are intruding on another broken families holiday, my oldest pretty much hates me and my youngest is a monster. I mean, who smacks a newborn?!?!
I’ve spent a good portion of my day silently praying in corners for God to give me the strength to get through the day and now my child’s behavior has pushed another mom into hysterics.
This isn’t what I was asking for God.
How am I supposed to fix this? How do I make all these problems go away? What do you want me to do with all these broken things?
In this moment of utter weakness, I let myself give in. I let myself be sad, upset, hurt, irritated and tired. Why? Because I am human. I should feel these emotions. We all should. Without these negative emotions, we would have nothing to learn from. We learn from hurt, from broken, from sad.
Life isn’t always supposed to feel good. I mean it would be awesome if it did, but that’s not real life.
One of my favorite movie quotes is from the movie Letters to Juliet. The grandson is telling his grandmother, who is searching for a man she fell in love with 50 years ago, that perhaps she fell in love with a common laborer and in the 50 years since he has become an owner. That she missed the messy bits in between. She looks at her grandson with a grin and tells him “life is the messy bits”.
And that’s the truth, mama. Life is the messy bits. Life isn’t calm, or comfortable or happy all the time. Its messy, dirty and wild.
Some days its hard to wrap your mind around all the messy bits. And when you are having one of those days, give yourself a quick break and wallow. Embrace all that mess and cry over it if you need to.
You don’t have to perfect all the time. You don’t have to “fake it”. You aren’t supermom, even if you want to be.
Supermom doesn’t exist.
A perfect life doesn’t exist.
What does exist is
Grace when we fail.
Grace when others fail us.
Grace when life sucks.
Grace when it feels like your life is crumbling.
You know what’s great about Grace?
It’s already yours. Today, right now. It was yours yesterday. It will be yours tomorrow.
So after you wallow, put on your big girl panties, your armor of grace and move on.